Realization

I started this post 2 weeks ago, and never finished it.

In all my previous sexual experience, I'm realizing that I put things into boxes and forced myself to live by predefined roles. The top fucked the bottom, and the bottom serviced the top. Those definitions created some vague but serious boundaries. Versatility was there, but once the roles between me and my sexual partner were defined, they seemed to not change.

In these new experiences, the top and bottom roles seem to be a bit reversed. Whether or not there's release, the top is there to service the bottom, and the bottom is there to be serviced. That's not to say that those traditional roles don't have a place too, but they're not nearly as clearly black and white.

I've had the opportunity to be both a total top and a total bottom over the last 3 weeks. This new life is about pushing limits but respecting them at the same time, or setting limits and trusting that they'll be respected. Respect and trust become the most important aspect of every scene.

As the bottom, I have to rely on my top to push my limits and I have to allow them to be pushed, yet speak up when that limit is reached. Theoretically, if I'm going to get off, my top is going to have to somehow make sure that I do; I'm going to be incapacitated. As a bottom in this place, I have to expect that my top is getting significant fulfillment from the experience.

As the top, I am taking control of my bottom. Now it's my bottom that is incapacitated and not able to do anything for himself. It's my job to make him happy, and to get him off. In my old world, I tended to focus on the bottom more than myself. While it was me fucking him, my priority was bringing him to climax, then focusing on myself. That old tendency not only carries forward easily, but is expected I think.

As a bottom, I've been open to new experiences and my tops have helped me experience them. I think they're making me walk when I want to run really, really fast. They exhibit genuine concern for my well being. They are teaching me how to respect others when I assume the other role. They are teaching me to trust. Those elements alone are what has made the larger experience so fulfilling.

As a top, I realize now that the only limits I really pushed were my own. But that was only one experience with a person I hope to have more with. That same need to walk rather than run is still there. I can't do everything in one night, nor do I want to or should I. It's critically important that the bottom trust me. I don't think I would have done anything any differently than I did, and I think the experience was a good one for both of us.

I know that because of my limited experience I'm writing from a very narrow point of view, and that the roles are very flexible with the concept of a selfish top just a real in this world as it is in the vanilla world.  But just as I was never really fond of a selfish top (or bottom) in that old world, I think I prefer to accept the roles as I see them today.

Or maybe I'm just crazy...